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(After all, he’s your husband.) I think before you determine a method of bringing this up without accusing your husband of cheating, you should figure out if you consider this to be cheating.
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If he’s not depleting himself of a sex drive from whacking it too much, or having his dick stripped raw by his buddies’ calloused workout hands, what’s the difference? You, naturally, are under no obligation to take such a laid-back stance. The way I’m personally inclined to think about this goes something like: He could be sitting around with his buddies playing poker and holding cigars, or they could be sitting around watching porn and holding their dicks. So, perhaps this is not a major part of your husband’s sexuality but a minor one. As you may have noticed, spending time with naked men is fun.
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It is therefore conceivable that there are guys out there who mostly have sex with women but enjoy the male bonding that comes with sitting around and busting some nuts with other men. I put “straight” in quotes because, sitting around, dicks out, perhaps polishing a penis that does not belong to you, sounds pretty far left of strictly hetero to me, but it’s also increasingly clear that there’s infinite space in the gray area between a Kinsey 0 and a 6. A recent GQ trend piece explored the phenomenon of “straight” masturbation clubs, and I’ve seen online ads for such clubs that specifically target “straight” guys and more or less rebuke gay ones. Or maybe connectivity has made this phenomenon more accessible and easier to gauge and discuss? Ya never know with these things. In a nondescript building on West 26th Street in New York City, you’ll find Paddles, “the friendly S&M club.” It’s an after-hours space that bills itself as “a playground for sane people who are into: whipping, spanking, bondage, domination, submission, foot fetishes, cross dressing, and all other fetishes,” where once a month, closer to happy hour than last call, the fetish du jour is mutual masturbation.It does seem like more straight-identified guys are getting into mutual masturbation with other so-called straight guys these days. The event is organized by New York Jacks, a group that hosts regular meetings for men to gather in relative public to do something nearly every man does in relative private. They take over Paddles on Tuesdays, and on Sundays host a meeting on the third floor of a building on West 38th Street. I first attended a New York Jacks meeting with a friend on a Tuesday a few weeks ago. After fortifying ourselves with a beer around the corner and waiting until what felt like a New York–appropriate hour after the event’s official start time, we walked through the open door and down a twisting concrete staircase, listening for any indication of a meeting in progress. We passed a few men coming the other way, looking flushed and conspiratorial, and opened a door into a short hallway with a ticket window, where a young, fully clothed man asked languorously, “Here for Jacks?”īefore arriving, we’d discussed our apprehensions. What if it’s empty? What if we see someone we know? Based on stories from friends, this is a not-uncommon occurrence at some other gay sex events in the city, and the fear amounts to one of being exposed somehow - not just physically, but, in the case of New York Jacks, as a “bator”: someone who seeks out mutual masturbation as a discrete sexual experience. All things considered, mutual masturbation is pretty tame - masturbation is something most people already do, albeit alone - but the popular notion of masturbation as somehow being failed sex, the purview of lonely internet trolls, leads many would-be avid mutual masturbators to keep their sexual cards close to their chests.Īmong men who have sex with men, mutual masturbation is often seen as sex-adjacent, rather than a sex act in its own right.īut as with being seen on Grindr, or in the backyard of a gay bar in Brooklyn, the “exposure” would be mutual.Īs in every fetish community, the fear of being outed as a participant in something deemed weird or pervy keeps many people, including bators, in the closet about their interests.
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In some cases, this is a heterosexual fig leaf (“It’s not sex, we’re just being dudes”) in others, it’s treated as an hors d’oeuvre.